Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships — sometimes irreparably.
We all tell “white lies.” We say, “I’m fine,” when we’re not, compliment unwanted gifts, or even fib that “The check is in the mail.”
In an intimate relationship, emotional honesty includes allowing your partner to know who you are. Honesty is more than simply not lying.
Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimization.
Deception refers to the act—big or small, cruel or kind—of encouraging people to believe information that is not true. Lying is a common form of deception—stating something known to be untrue with the intent to deceive.
While most people are generally honest, even those who subscribe to honesty engage in deception sometimes.
Average person lies several times a day. Some of those lies are big “I’ve never cheated on you!” but more often, they are little white lies “That dress looks fine” deployed to avoid uncomfortable situations or spare someone’s feelings.
Trust is the bedrock of social life at all levels, from romance. Deception always undermines it. Because truth is so essential to the human enterprise, which relies on a shared view of reality.
The default assumption most people have is that others are truthful in their communications and dealings. Most cultures have powerful social sanctions against lying.
Although we may consider ourselves honest, few of us reveal all our negative thoughts and feelings about the people we are close to. It requires courage to be vulnerable and authentic.
The Cost of Secrets and Lies
Most people who lie worry about the risks of being honest, but give little thought to the risks of dishonesty. Some of the ways in which lies and secrets cause harm are:
They block real intimacy with a partner. Intimacy is based on trust and authenticity.
They lead to cover-up lies and omissions that can be hard to remember. These mount up, and if the truth comes out, it may be more hurtful than the original secret.
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Thank you ….The longer the truth is hidden, the greater becomes the hurdle of revelation, for it would bring into question every instance of cover-up and all times the innocent partner relied upon and trusted the betrayer.
The secret holder feels guilty, or at least uncomfortable, during intimate moments with the deceived person.
Closeness and certain topics tend to be avoided.
Avoidance may not even be conscious and can include things like being preoccupied with work, friends, hobbies, or addictive behavior, and doing activities that leave little opportunity for private conversations.
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The deceiver might even provoke an argument to create distance.
Honesty is valued as a moral norm, although the context and specifics may differ among cultures. When we violate religious or cultural norms by hiding the truth, we experience anxiety generated by guilt.
Despite our best efforts at hiding, our physiological reaction is the basis for electronic lie detectors.
This violation of our values not only leads to guilt; it also affects our self-concept. Over a long period, deception can eat away at our self-esteem.
Ordinary guilt that could be reversed with honesty now becomes shame and undermines our fundamental sense of dignity and worthiness as a person.
The gap between the self we show others and how we feel inside widens.
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Our ways of managing guilt and shame create more problems. We hide not only the secret but more of who we are.
We might build resentments to justify our actions, withdraw, or become critical, irritable, or aggressive.
We rationalise our lie or secret to avoid the inner conflict and the danger we imagine awaits us if we come clean.
Some people become obsessed with their lie, to the point that they have difficulty concentrating on anything else.
Other people are able to compartmentalize their feelings or rationalize their actions to better manage dishonesty.
Compartmentalization and denying, rationalizing “What my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt him/her and an undesirable reality.
That the liar is convinced that lying supports the relationship. He or she may not want to face the hurt or choices that the truth could precipitate.
Not surprisingly, beyond mental distress that lying leads to health complaints.
The victim of deception may begin to react to the avoidant behavior by feeling confused, anxious, angry, suspicious, abandoned, or needy.
Your Comments……
They may begin to doubt themselves, and their self-esteem may suffer. Often, victims of betrayal need counseling to recover from the loss of trust and to raise their self-esteem.
For example, suppose, you find your partner constantly lying to you because of the fear of rejection or losing you, you might want to confront them and clarify your bond towards them so that they can trust you and come up to you in a truthful way.
In such situations, you can also try to respond to them positively so that they can understand the affection between you two.
If they are constantly lying to gain power in such situations, you might want to respond to them to set clear boundaries in your relationship.
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