People tend to feel more negative emotions and react more strongly to negative events when they are tired. So finding yourself fighting late at night—when you should be sleeping—is a recipe for disaster.
Does it actually work?
Should we really resolve our differences before hitting the sheets, or just cool down and sleep it off?
When we are low on sleep, we start fighting over things that wouldn’t ruffle a feather when we are well-rested. I’ve looked at the link between sleep and conflict, and found that people are more likely to fight if they slept poorly the night before compared to days when they slept well.
Lack of sleep can greatly exacerbate conflict.
When couples are exhausted, they are more irritable and snippy. Going to bed mad can often mean that you wake up feeling okay, especially if the conflict was exacerbated or even entirely caused by two irritable, fatigued people sniping at one another.
Also, the idea that going to bed angry is ‘bad’ leads to many couples staying up later than they should, trying to resolve fights and often failing, as they get more and more entrenched in their positions.
When you have a good night’s sleep, you can much more easily see your partner’s position and empathize, which means that making up is finally possible.
And yes, I mean either partner—so it seems that if just one of you is sleep-deprived, you may be in for a rockier ride when dealing with conflictual issues.
In other words, a poor night of sleep for you or your partner may lead you to fight when you wouldn’t otherwise, and when you do start fighting, you may just find yourself having a harder time resolving the issue.
Unfortunately, others have found that people sleep worse after fighting with their partner, suggesting that if you don’t deal with the conflict, you may have a harder time getting a good night of sleep.
Fighting while hungry (hanger, anyone?) is another recipe for disaster.
Who can think clearly or be patient when their body is screaming for calories?
Similarly, being short on time or feeling stressed makes people more irritable and hostile. You are more likely to notice your partner’s negative behaviors and less able to deal with them constructively when you are stressed.
Like sleep, stress may turn nonissues into issues and prevent people from dealing constructively with their conflict.
Does it feel like there is never a good time to fight?
To deal with conflict constructively, you should ideally discuss the issues in the best possible place at the best time.
Of course, you cannot always fight under optimal conditions, but you can become more aware of the outside factors that exacerbate conflict and then work to minimize those external factors. Your conflict may escalate unnecessarily if you are tired, hungry, stressed or short-tempered for some other reason unrelated to your conflict.
Sometimes you may even find yourself in the midst of a conflict that wouldn’t have happened if you’d just gone to bed a little earlier the night before or waited until after you’d eaten to broach the sensitive topic.
So the next time you start to get angry over something little, take a minute to evaluate the situation.
If it’s close to bedtime, instead of staying up so that you don’t go to bed angry, try distracting yourself with something pleasant for 20 minutes and then going to sleep and seeing if you are still as mad in the morning. If you’re hunger, take a break and get something to eat.
If you are short on time, hit the pause button and return to the issue when you don’t feel so rushed. And think about your partner as well—did they say something insensitive because they are being a jerk, or are they just tired and hungry after a long day?
Making good attributions for your partner’s behavior may be beneficial for both of you. And you may find after a good night of sleep, a good meal, or time to think clearly, that your problems don’t feel so big anymore.
Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate.
Thank you ….I also recognize how difficult it is to handle conflict well, especially when it’s late at night after an exhausting day. There have been a number of times in our marriage. And we have both gone to bed angry. When that happens, she’s able to fall asleep quickly, while it takes me a long time to fall asleep when I’m stirred up. But both of us feel the effects of the unresolved anger the next day.
Going to bed angry not only impacts the next day, it causes cumulative and harmful effects. Here are some of the negative consequences of going to bed still angry.
Less sleep hurts your health.
Anger not only harms you emotionally but also physically. Many studies have shown that quality of sleep affects overall health. And, when you go to bed angry, a good night’s sleep is usually compromised.
Going to bed angry not only kills the mood but repeatedly going to bed angry creates an unhealthy pattern of fewer opportunities for sexual intimacy. On the other hand, there are times when couples who work through their disagreements before bed find themselves suddenly open to intimacy.
It sends the message to your spouse that you value “winning” the argument more than preserving your relationship.
The message you send to your spouse when you have a pattern of going to bed angry is that your marriage and your spouse’s well-being are less important to you than winning in conflict.
That may not be what you intend to communicate, but that’s often the takeaway. How you handle end of day conflicts either builds up or tears down your marriage
Having shared the above thoughts, I’m not suggesting that you can always resolve everything before bedtime. But that does not mean that you have to go to bed angry.
You can just agree on one thing with your spouse…that you will talk about it and work it out tomorrow when you’re fresh and ready for a new day.
Do you want to add a word or two?
My wife obsesses about everything. Most of the time I look past this. We both have our quirks. But last night we were both under the gun to finish seminary work before midnight.
A bill came in the mail and she wanted to discuss it. I asked if we could table it until after we finished our projects but she simply couldn’t do it. She can handle doing work AND dealing talking about the bill.
I explained that I couldn’t do it. Yet, she persisted, constantly talking to me about it while we worked. I did my best to stay calm, but eventually I told her she was driving me crazy.
She stormed out. I’m the bad guy. It took me a good 20 minutes to get back on task. We went to bed angry. I woke up while still dark outside, still angry.
I don’t know how to even begin getting past this. This is a typical problem. She obsesses until I can’t take it anymore.
I blow up. We go silent. Rinse repeat… I care for her, love her. But I’m so tired of this I don’t know how to proceed.
Your comments….
My biggest issue with this relationship tip is that it assumes anger is something to avoid.
That it’s actually not okay to feel anger for any length of time, or that anger itself is going to somehow damage a relationship. The thing is, if you or your partner are feeling angry, the offense has already happened, so to speak.
Anger is the response, not the stimulus.
And more importantly, anger is a incredibly valuable emotion that we must give ourselves (and our partners) permission to experience.
It is chalk full of information that guides you and your partner to solve problems. It lets you know where your boundaries lie, what you value, what you need and expect.
Instead of prematurely shoving it away or expecting your partner to move along, give yourself some space to listen, fully understand, and completely feel the emotion.
And by the way, the only way anger goes away is when you actually feel it.
All of it. So “getting over it” before you are actually ready doesn’t solve anything and that same anger will just resurface later.
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